Hippie In A Suit

Episode 5: Beware of the Pandemic Boo

Hello, my fellow Hippies!

What an emotionally charged past week we have all had. I commend us all on our resilience and spirit. I have shared my experiences and thoughts on this in my open letter titled “What Can We Do?”, so please feel free to check the @hippiein_asuit Instagram and Twitter pages to share your thoughts.

On this note, over the last few months at the height of global lockdown restrictions, I came up with a term called ‘Pandemic Boo’ (P.B). These are the people who, out of boredom you found yourself talking to on a daily basis, sometimes 3 times a day. People who you made questionable promises to such as, “when this lockdown is over, I will…”; promises that your mother should never hear you utter.

Well this is what happened o, that led me to meeting up with this guy, I had only seen a couple of times before the Statewide lockdown. To say it was a big mistake is the biggest understatement, just for the main reason that ‘Pandemic Boo’, is not real affection, but pure boredom lust…lol.

Anyway, so I agreed to meet up with Hassan, my P.B, and we agreed to do something a bit exciting to break the ice and stretch our restricted limbs. That’s how I checked my Nothing To Do In Lagos (NTDIL) weekly newsletter for something exciting and I saw, Kayaking in Lagos as an option. I was so excited that I called Hassan and told him how thrilling it will be to get up and do something with a bit of spunk.

As you read this, bear in mind that the Lagos Lagoon is so dirty, I’m sure it is riddled with all kinds of diseases, the Nigeria Centre for Disease Control (NCDC) is yet to discover. More importantly, let’s just say I am not the most coordinated person on watercrafts. Knowing all of this, instead of me to “borrow myself small sense”, I decided to convince somebody’s son to go on this Lagos adventure with me, not picking up the cues that this guy was afraid of water.

So, the day of our date comes, I decided to get dressed in a sporty outfit that passes for a casual vibe, if I put on my sweater after the date. I was reeeaaadddyyy! I made sure I had my ATM card ready at hand, packed my chewing gum, just in case of some lip action (at least that way I don’t embarrass my family). I called Hassan to be sure we would get there at about the same time (as I hate waiting for people), but my guy sounded queasy. Ahn ahn… warriz going on hia? Were we going to confirm that this our P.B life would not last long enough for one date?!
“Hey Hassan, are we good? You don’t sound too eager. If you don’t want to do this, just let me know o” I said, going 20 miles ahead of myself. The poor guy sounded faint again on the phone “No, no, no Laraba! We’re good. Would it be okay if we just cancel this and go for lunch and a movie instead?”

Hippies, if you were me what would you have done? Because me as I was listening to this dude, I was already beginning to vex o. In my head I was saying “Is this guy serious? Am I a joke to you? You for talk say you no wan go na, na by force?!”. I think back and I know I messed up, because instead of me to be empathetic and listen to him, I said “You should have said something earlier nau, Hassan. I already got us tickets and they are non-refundable. We can just do 30 minutes and leave”. I heard a long sigh on the phone followed by “Okay babe, see you soon”.

We eventually meet up, and boy is this my P.B looking all fine and casually sporty. I was thanking my stars that God buttered my bread even during the lockdown. I should have known that this was the calm before the storm (all pun intended). We were given the usual safety guidelines by the instructor and as we started making our way into our Kayaks, I noticed Hassan just kept staring blankly like he had seen a ghost. I was already getting irritated (I am working on my patience o, before you people start judging me! lol), so I got in my Kayak and tried to get him to come in too. That’s how oga started shouting with his posh Anglo-Hausa accent x dodgy Pidgin English, “I don’t want to do this! I really don’t want to do this! I have been saying this since last week and you were not listening!!! If you wan kill me, you suppose talk say you wan kill me!!!”

Hippies o, you should have seen my face! I was like, when did this guy say he didn’t want to go? I was so confused, that I casually got out of that Kayak, swaggered my apologies to the instructor and just kept walking to my car. You guys, I didn’t even have the strength to argue as the outburst left me speechless; as in E SHOCK ME GAN!! Eventually, just before I drove off, I asked him why he didn’t want to do it? That’s when he said he had a phobia for open water, and he couldn’t even swim properly. In fact, I learnt a new word that day “Thalassophobia” (trust my nerdy side, I had to google it!).

I was so angry! Why couldn’t he have been more assertive when I told him about this from the beginning? I wasted money (my pride would not let me ask him for my 6k back) and I didn’t even do what I wanted to do. Needless to say, turns out all our chats and ‘promises’ were so surface level and purely lustfully motivated that it wasn’t real.  Till now, we haven’t spoken about the date again. It was like it never happened and we don’t even know each other.

Moral of the story, you ask? There’s no moral o, I just wanted to share with you that P.Bs aren’t real and my dating misadventures seem to continue…lol. I hope I’ve put a smile on your faces and given you an escape from our current situation, even if it’s just for a short while.

Anyway Hippies, till next time, have a great weekend and remember to stay safe.

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